Coachella. The mere mention of the word brings to mind incredible live music, throngs of dancing half-naked hippies, and rapping ghosts. But what, you ask, should I eat while I brave the hot desert sun (or chilly desert nights)? Fear not, for Lisa and I scoped out the joint last weekend and now we’ve got you covered with our handy-dandy Coachella Eat It/Screw It Guide!
I LOVE SPICY PIE PIZZA - SCREW IT!
There’s nothing wrong with this pizza. It’s a solid NY-style slice, but it’s absolutely nothing special. The reason I say screw it, though, is why have average pizza when you could have great pizza?…
PIE FOR THE PEOPLE - EAT IT!
I didn’t think we were going to find actual good food at the festival until we happened to try a slice of these guys’ David Bowie pizza. Bacon, carmelized onions, mozzarella, pineapple, jalapenos, and plum sauce… Run over to the beer garden outside the crazy dance tent and grab one before everyone else figures out how tasty this place is! And hell, if you happen to be in Joshua Tree, go check out their permanent spot.
Until then, check out this piping-hot video of Ben and Lisa feeding hungry people at Coachella. It’s a game show: guess what’s on the pizza that you just put in your mouth. Go!
THE VOODOO VAN’S JUJU BALLS - EAT IT!
Holy shit, guys. HOLY SHIT. These are fried mashed potato balls with cream cheese, parsley, and some great pickled onions on top. P.S. They’re fucking awesome. If you do not order these, you might as well punch yourself in the Juju Balls. They’re in the beer garden by the main stage. Go. GO!!!
INDIAN FOOD STAND COMBINATION PLATE - SCREW IT!
This food isn’t bad and, hey, if you’re vegan, it might hit the spot. However, it is pretty bland and with all the other options available, I wouldn’t bother.
ASIAN BBQ ORANGE CHICKEN - EAT IT!
This is by no means great Chinese food. Hell, everything except the chicken was slightly sub-par. But the sauce on the chicken had a nice slightly-caramelized crunch to it that made it somewhat tasty. That said, would I ever eat this if I weren’t at a festival? Hell no.
CHURRO STAND CHURRO - FUCK IT!
I have nothing but respect for the people who stand out in the sun all day selling these. That said, fuck this churro. It smells all cinnamony and delicious and then you bite into it and it’s like a chilly, spongy reminder of what you hoped you’d get. Maybe I’m just spoiled by Disneyland churros, but fuck this one. FUCK. IT.
THE LIME TRUCK’S BREAKFAST BURRITO - SCREW IT!
Outside the venue in the campgrounds, The Lime Truck has a little sit-down restaurant, which is kinda nice for the morning after some hard partying (or just listening to everyone else’s hard partying). As for the breakfast burrito? Meh. Though that’s better than I can say for the…
THE LIME TRUCK’S ULTIMATE BREAKFAST TACOS - EAT IT (AT YOUR OWN RISK)!
Roasted fingerling potatoes covered in guac and cheese with a poached egg on top. These were actually delicious. HOWEVER, do remember that poached eggs are not, you know, totally cooked and, well, how do I say this politely… These did not sit well, or, frankly, at all. So be advised - if you down some of these, a rushed port-a-potty visit may be in your future.
MORNING STAR RANCH GREEN DRINK - EAT DRINK IT!
I don’t know about you, but I love drinking kale and chard. Actually, wait, I don’t. But if you don’t mind it, this drink does actually give you an energy boost, and you’re gonna need it. Special bonus - the cast of Martha Marcy May Marlene is serving the drinks! At least, I think it was them.
BREAKFAST FROM THE GENERAL STORE - SCREW IT!
(Not Pictured. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything.)
Scrambled eggs and such… I can barely remember it now. All I know is I was a fool to think the General Store would make good food. I was too lazy to walk all the way over to Epic Burritos and wait in line. Don’t make that same mistake!
EPIC BURRITOS CHICKEN BURRITO - SCREW IT!
On our way out on the last night, we were starving, so we popped in for an Epic Burrito to see what the long line was all about. I still don’t know. Bland, uninteresting… what’s the opposite of epic? Maybe the Breakfast Burrito’s what everybody was standing in line for.
(SECRET TIP: For making it to the bottom of the post, here’s a little tip from me to you - if you have cell phone reception problems at Coachella… sorry - WHEN you have reception problems at Coachella, turn your phone onto airplane mode for 15 seconds, then flip it back. Worked for me!)